The allowance of a breakdown that prompted a breakthrough

I could get a taste of what’s to come. If I would break down that wall.

Today was the launch day of my first class on Skillshare.

Yesterday I had a breakdown. It had to be done but it was utterly uncomfortable. Thankfully I wasn’t alone.

I cried uncontrollably, on and off for an hour. Any word that came to mind could set me off and nothing made sense. But, I’ve learned over the years to just let it all happen and flow with it. Trusting that I’d get the clarity at the end of the breakdown. Or not. I knew to get there, I had to be ok with both.

As I blurted out incoherent sentences and feelings to my husband who’s learned that what I need most is that he listens and ask open-ended questions, he showed me with his body language that he would sit there for as long as this would take.

So, I took a breath and listened for the thoughts behind the ones who were condescending towards me. You know, those thoughts that remind you of all the stories you’ve told before. Of how difficult your deepest desires are to attain.

Yesterday was the final revision of the manuscript to the class, or so I’d decided.

I’d never made an online class before and the more I read the Teacher Handbook guidelines I realised that this was an opportunity to create a high-quality class. However, to finalise it would take a few more days and the very thought of not honouring my own commitment yet again, was too much for me to handle.

Overwhelmed with all the emotions flooding in, I felt my heart break. In hindsight, it was needed and I’ll explain why in a second.

Exploring through the spoken word

I’m a multi-creative person, but I’ve never really gotten as excited as I’ve been to the following two conclusion.

  1. I love making radio. Meaning podcast.
  2. I love teaching

I have so much I’d like to share with you and have a chat with you about if you’d like to listen.

Like I’ve mentioned in previous episodes when I introduced my channel of daily podcasts, that this is me doing what I love, –exploring through the spoken word what will be written into an essay, gathered as stories into a book or made into a class.

In speaking the words that inspire me, I’ve acknowledged what kind of teacher I enjoy being. As an example: right now I’m not interested in giving you the how-tos on how I make my delicious pancakes. I’d rather inspire you to feel that feeling I get when I play with the ingredients for the pancakes and the sense of joy I feel whilst making them, –a tad bit different every time.

That feeling, rather than the how-to steps to a perfect pancake. As the recognition of this feeling that is unique to you, when you just know that you are true to what you love and to your senses, that’s when you create magic.

Greatest challenge

Being multi-creative, my greatest challenge has up until now been the lack of feeling that I’m in it for the long haul. That long-term faith in what I create. I’m a person who enjoys dedicating myself to what I work on, what I experience and the relationships I’m a part of. No half-assery here. Either I’m all in, or not.

Evidence to the contrary is scattered across the internet if you google my name and my previous company name. The beginnings of projects that I backed out of. Losing the drive soon after it was published because I realised: I don’t want to be that person or what that project represented to me, so I crept further into my skull of hopelessness.

I needed the breakdown to break through all the conclusions and stories that had formed a wall in front of me.

The 100 million dollar exercise

When I notice that doubt grabs all my attention, I daydream about what I’d do if I had 100 million dollars in my bank account. It’s a great exercise to gain clarity on what you truly desire in life.

I declared to my husband: “I’d buy the house we’ve been desiring in that street and I’d build a conservatory filled with plants and an office where I can record podcasts, every day.” And so I did.

For about two weeks now, I’ve published a podcast, every day on my channel SLTS Self-Leadership Through Storytelling. I didn’t need 100 million to get going. I already had the equipment and it cost 100 dollars. I’d bought myself a fancy microphone because it made me feel like a pro having it attached to the table and it could swing around.

All I needed was the freedom to choose to publish a daily podcast, which the idea of having 100 million in my bank account gave me.

The productive streak

Within a week of publishing, everything became clear to me and my inner drive was stronger than ever before. All-day. Every day.

Not just an hour or two like it used to. If I listened to the right song that would put me in the right mood or being in the right location to write for that particular day.

I’d grown tired of the need for something outside of me to inspire my productivity. Other than coffee of course. I knew the solution was within me and after looking for how to connect with it for years, I found mine as soon as I started podcasting every day.

I don’t know if I’m posting for myself and my own clarity or, somebody out there who’s grateful I finally decided to podcast every day, –or both.

I’ve even sat quietly for a couple of days now, which is a novel sensation as I’ve always needed music to be able to write or create anything else. Now I choose to listen to music. I enjoy it, rather than need it. Like right now. When I get an idea for a story I often listen to one song on repeat for hours. Today’s musical company is the latest single from Amber Mark who is a multi-creative impulse in my life. She accompanies me in most things I do.

I needed the breakdown to break through all the conclusions and stories that had formed a wall in front of me.

Up until yesterday, I’d broken down pieces of this wall.

I had gotten a taste of what’s to come, –if I’d only break down that wall and because I still wasn’t fully there, the intensity of the wall of feelings and judgements of myself, had me falling apart.

And as I fell apart, so did the wall and a new era could begin. Pride in myself.

“I’m afraid I’ll give up on this, just as I’ve done all the other times I didn’t fulfil my promises to myself,” I said to my husband yesterday.

This morning I woke up just as motivated, no –even more motivated!

I could now see all the success that was possible for me down the road, for years to come. I had finally found trust in myself and I’d recognised the worth in what I’m creating.

This was also read into the Modern Small Talk show podcast.

Cover photo by Chris Curry on Unsplash

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